Last night my young, unmarried daughter confided in me that she was afraid she might be pregnant.
I think, under the circumstances, I reacted very well. I was not angry or even disappointed. Instead I was sad. And a bit amused.
I was amused because Abby is only seven. And although we have recently had “the talk”, she still has only a vague idea on the mechanics of it all.
For example, for her homework tonight, she needed to find something longer than six inches. She measured her pencil.
Abby: How do you spell pencil?
Me: Sound it out, I’ll help you if you get stuck.
Abby: P-E-N…I
Me: You forgot the Sss sound. In this case it’s a-
Abby: (interrupting) I know, Mom. See.
I looked at her paper. P-E-N-I-S.
I started to laugh. “Abby, that spells penis!”
She cracked up. Not just a little, but with big belly laughs. “That’s a real word, Mom!” she gasped.
“I know, that’s why it’s funny!”
More laughter.
Then, “Mom, what does penis mean?”
So you see, very vague on the mechanics.
Yet I was sad at her pronouncement, though it had nothing to do with the birds and the bees.
She thought she might “have a baby growing in her tummy” because she thinks she looks like it. In preschool (preschool!) a classmate told Abby that she was fat. She has worried about her body image off and on ever since.
My daughter is not skinny. She is a bit more round than her classmates. Taller, too.
This may be, in part, due to genetics. I know her height is.
However, a daily dose of steroids to keep her asthma under control have greatly contributed to her roundness. The good news is, her asthma is much improved this year. She may be outgrowing it. I am going to talk to her doctor about easing her off the steroids.
But with eating disorders coming on earlier and earlier, how do I deal with her self-conscious body image?
Well, first I assured her that her dad and I love her. We think she is beautiful onside and out. She replied, “You have to say that, you’re my mom.”
True. But I still mean it.
Here’s what I think I am doing right.
I try to model a healthy lifestyle. I run because I love it, but if my sneakers stay in the closet for a few weeks, I don’t freak out. I try to prepare healthy dinners. Abby’s favorite foods are salmon, artichokes, and chocolate. I do allow some junk food in the house, in moderation.
I don’t make negative comments about her body. Or Bob’s. Or mine. Sure there are things I’d like to change about my looks, but I don’t dwell on it. I’m pretty comfortable with myself.
But, truth be known I am not 100% comfortable with her size. That kills me to write. I want to delete it. I think you will hate me for writing it, but it’s the truth.
It’s not like I have plans to call in Richard Simmons, but I am concerned.
This is why: I am worried about her getting teased. Kids can be cruel. As a former cruel kid, I know.
You may be thinking, that’s not so horrible, Heidi. No one wants their child to be hurt.
True, but there is another reason. A selfish one. One that I am rather ashamed of.
I feel as though I will be judged by other parents. And in retaliation I hear a whiny voice inside my head saying “It’s not fair! My daughter eats salmon! I’m a good mother!”
Which is ridiculous, I know. And yet…
So, then comes the guilt. Have I silently communicated my feelings to Abby? Is that why she is so concerned about her weight?
Or, is it another part of her OCD? Obsessing over negative thoughts, planted not by me, oh no, but by that horrible nasty little preschool girl.
Or society at large. Not just Paris and Lindsey. Abby has no idea who those people are. But even on the Disney channel, the size is stuck on ‘extra small’. From Kim Possible’s bare midriff to the glamorous and slender Hannah Montana. (Aack! I took her to see the Hannah Montana movie! We’re back to it all being my fault!)
Bob and I have been talking things over and here’s our plan.
Once upon a time we allowed only let Abby watch tv on the weekends. After talking about all the negative influence it may be having on her we decided to go back to this rule. (And not just because of body image. Or because it can be such a monumental waste of time. And don’t even get me started on how my child parrots commercials. But that’s a topic for another day.)
She loves sports, so I signed her up for spring soccer in our new city, and she’s very excited. I want her to know what wonderful things her body can do at any size.
We’ll keep reassuring her that she is loved. Not for her waist size, but for who she is.
We’ll continue to help her develop her talents and help her develop confidence in her abilities.
Also, we watched Hairspray together. Silly, I know, but not every solution has to be deep. Abby thinks Tracy is beautiful. I agree.
And…I’ll work on my own insecurities. I’m a great mom. Really I am.
I’m so glad you wrote this. My daughter has Moebius Syndrome. She’s incredibly bright but her face doesn’t work right. At 4, she’s already delt with a lot. But I’m glad you wrote about weight because my daughter has ceases wearing tight waisted pants (really she’ll only wear ones that are WAY too big) and she said it’s because her belly squishes over them. She’s tiny. And just today we were at the store where I was (being a bad parent) and letting my daughter pick out a polly pocket and she looked at one and said she’s too fat. I don’t want that one. I didn’t even know what to say. Have you seen polly pocket?? She makes barbie look like a whale. We don’t watch commercials, i monitor what she does see and I try to be careful about what I say and we laughed at my big belly after her baby brother was born. I don’t know where they get it.
Good Luck. Sounds like you guys are doing great.
I saw your comment on Jolenes website and decided to check out your site. My kids are still very young and I have not had to face these issues with them but I know that they are issues that “I” have and I am trying very hard to not let them affect the girls. I have also taken steroids in the past and put on weight like crazy! It’s a terrible terrible medication (for all the good that it does!) and can cause so many other problems ( think hairy face and sweating lovely!) Thank you so much for sharing and I definitely do not think you’re alone or should be ashamed of the way you feel. The bottom line though is that you are a good mother, you know you are a good mother and that’s the most important thing!
I hope I haven’t overstepped any boundaries!
I used to fear I was pregnant when I was around that age too.
Thanks everyone for your kind comments! (No boundaries crossed at all!)
I do know I’m a good mother, but at least some guilt, anxiety, and worry, come with the territory, huh?
Jolene, I’ve seen your flickr pictures of your little princess. She’s lovely!
So, remind me to talk to you sometime about ballet, anorexia and figure drawing.
I think your blog is so interesting to read, especially since you are so thoughtful about everything for your daughter.
We deal with this too with our eight-year-old. Unfortunately I haven’t set a real great example of health without freaking out, but I’m doing beter and so is she. I agree with the sports. My daughter adores soccer, and instilling a love of activity early on in our kids does wonders for them.
This post was insightful and caused me to think evern more about what I need to do to be THE role model for my daughter.
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