My mom is a terrible driver. Just ask the mailbox.
All right, maybe I’m being too hard on her.
She only hit it four or five times.
Never mind that the mailbox was at least three car lengths from where she was trying to park. It must have snuck sneaked up on her while she was looking to see if someone was at the front door of the house.
But the mailbox wasn’t the worst of it.
I can’t even remember all the times she had a little “incident” in the car.
And since I’m striving for accuracy here at Frantically Simple, I think I’ll call and ask her.
(I don’t know how to record and post our conversation – if anyone could teach me that trick, I promise many entertaining posts will come out of it.)
Here is a transcript of our actual conversation with my commentary in italics:
Me: Hi mom, how’re you doing?
She starts giggling
Mom: Fine, but I’m tired. We were working really hard in the yard today.
Two things: First, I can tell she’s been reading my blog, because she can’t stop giggling. And second, catching her when she’s tired is always amusing. It’s as close to drunk as she’ll ever be. (She does not drink at all.)
Me: Mom, I need to ask you some questions for my blog. Do you have a minute?
She begins laughing out right.
Mom: Did you see my comment?
Me: Yeah, it was funny.
Mom: What did people say about it?
Me: Nothing that I know of.
Mom: sounding a little bit disappointed Oh.
Me: People don’t always respond to other comments. But it was funny.
Could someone please respond to her comment? It would mean so much to her. She likes attention even more than I do.
Mom: What did you want to ask about?
Me: Mom, how many cars have you crashed?
Giggling commences again and continues throughout the rest of the conversation.
Mom: I don’t know.
thinking
I couldn’t begin to tell you, probably five or six.
Me: Why do you think that is?
Mom: ‘Cuz other people don’t know how to drive!
giggle-giggle
big sigh
No, I just don’t pay attention.
Me: What are you thinking about when you drive?
more giggling
Mom: I don’t know. Like yesterday I was thinking about trying to put on my seatbelt and I almost rolled into that car behind me.
Me: Oh mom! Be careful!
Being distracted while driving has always been a big problem for my mom. Once she and a friend were driving together from Oregon to Utah. My mom drove first. While the kids fought played, the two ladies visited in the front seat. It must have been a good conversation because six hours after they left they saw a “Welcome to California” sign. Way back when they had first gotten on the freeway, she had gone South instead of North, and she was just now discovering it!
Me: Big accidents aside, tell me about the little ones. How many fender benders, bumps and scrapes would you say you’ve had?
Still laughing.
Mom: Lemme see… I broke the mirror off coming in the gate…I backed into a tree…I slid off the road and hit a tree…Actually, I was wedged between two trees!giggle Now that’s talent!
Me: I wouldn’t actually call that good driving, Mom. Lucky, maybe – that you weren’t hurt, I mean.
So what causes all these accidents? Are you just somewhere else?
Mom: She sounds disgusted. I don’t like snow. That’s my biggest problem.
This woman really hates snow. If she could kill it by running over it with her car, she would.
pauses to think Wait, maybe not just snow…
I do okay on highway, it’s just in town that I lose concentration. I get distracted.
Ooooh look, shiny stores! WHAM!
And one way streets! Like that time in Utah I was going the wrong way on a one way street.
pensive
I totaled that car…
giggling again
Oh! One time it was a mans fault. He sideswiped me in an intersection!
sounds irritated
He just wasn’t paying any attention to what he was doing!
Me: So…one out of ten wasn’t your fault?
Mom: I’m a basket case aren’t I?
Now we’re both giggling.
Me: No comment. Anything else to add for my readers?
I’m wrapping it up, but she sounds like she’s just getting warmed up.
Mom: Proudly One time, I took a lady home form a church meeting. I hit a post coming out.
Me: What about having wheat growing in your car?
When I was little, my mom had a home based business selling Bosch Kitchen Machines. One of her demo items was a wheat grinder. One time a bag of wheat spilled in the car and the wheat kernels sprouted in the carpet. We had a little mobile farm on the floor of our car. And with wheat prices being what they are now, I kind of wish that car was still around.
Mom: Oh, don’t mention that, they’ll think I’m really dirty.
Me: Mom, these are all strangers. Who cares what they think?
I’m sorry. I care about each and every one of my readers. I truly love you all, but I had to convince her not to worry.
Mom: Some people might see it that know me.
Me: If they know you, they already know your car is dirty.
More giggling.
Me: So how many tickets have you gotten?
Mom: proudly Only one ticket in four years.
Me: How do you get out of them all?
Mom: One time I was dressed like Mrs. Claus. I was going down to the, um… whachamacallit? Where I worked?
Me: The nursing home?
She ued to be an activities director at a nursing home.
Mom: Right. I told him, “I’m in a hurry to get these presents to to my residents.” and he let me off.
Another time you got me out of a ticket, don’t you remember? That time I slid under a truck and ended up breaking my ankle? It was just a week or so after my hysterectomy? The cop came over and was going to give me a five hundred dollar ticket. I started crying and you jumped up and said, “Can’t you see the poor woman’s suffered enough?” and he ended up not giving me a ticket.
Me: I forgot that. Happy Mother’s Day!
She’s distracted.
Mom: Oh! My water’s cold!
Me: Mom? Are you getting in the tub?
Mom: I was going to, but it’s all cold. I musta used up all the hot water…
Me: Okaaay…I’m gonna let you go. Goodnight.
Mom: Bye, love you.
Me: Love you, too. And, mom? Be careful, would you?
So there you have it. My mom is definitely a worse driver than your mom. For her sake, (and for all of us out on the road with her) I hope gas prices get a little higher. Anything to keep her off the road.
For more about my mom, check out my My Mom’s Funnier Than Your Mom series. But please, not while you are driving.
