Years ago, when W and I discovered that a baby was joining our family, we spent a lot of time preparing. We cleaned out the bedroom across the hall from us, then paint and papered it into a sweet little nursery. We (I) spent hours obsessing over reading about the care and feeding of newborns. I dragged W down to the hospital for an infant CPR class.
And we shopped.
Crib, crib sheets, crib bumpers, hanging mobile music box, rocker, changing table, car seat, multiple strollers, baby boppy, baby bjorn, diaper genie, diaper bag, diapers, bottles, bottle warmer, little blankets, little towels, little clothes and plenty of film for the camera (remember that?).
The one thing we did not buy was a video camera. I remember a few people asking us if we had one so we could capture those special little moments in our new baby’s life. They were surprised when I said I didn’t want one.
Captured Moments made me think of a sort of zoo, where the scenes of my life lie listlessly in their cages. I didn’t want that. I wanted to live in those special moments, to experience them in the wild.
I didn’t want to watch my baby grow up from behind a viewfinder.
We eventually did buy a video camera, when Newt was about three, but we have yet to fill up an entire tape. And yes, I agree that those moments we have captured are a precious and wonderful record of her life. But it is also true that the act of recording life sometimes interferes with the living of it.
Instead of really experiencing Newt’s first tap recital, I was trying to frame the best shot.
I can watch it a hundred-thousand times, but I will never be able to know what it feels like to be there in the present, without distraction.
Which brings me to this little blog of mine. There have been times when I have been viewing my life through the lens of blogablity. Times where I was less than present in a situation because I was busy composing a post about it in my head. Times when I was so busy trying to capture a moment in words that I missed its living, breathing beauty.
I can go back and read all about it, but I will never be able to know what it feels like to be there in the present, without distraction.
I read this post yesterday and it really spoke to me and the thoughts I’ve been having about this space. Read it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
All of this does not mean that I will stop blogging. It does mean that there will likely be a lot of silence between posts as I navigate the delicate balance between recording my life and living it.
