After a day of hard labor running to hither and then over to thither, preparing floors to receive new carpet and catching up on prodigious amounts of laundry, Heidi would like nothing better than artfully craft a witty, informative and entertaining post for your reading pleasure. (See Example A)

Example A

Unfortunately, an urgent matter has arisen that requires her immediate attention. (See Example B)

Example B

Sincerely,
The Management

1. To the best of her knowledge, Heidi has never been a boy.
2. Heidi was wearing earrings!  How could the people not notice the totally feminine earrings?!
3. Even mistaken for a boy, Heidi was not all that good looking.  She knew the people were just trying to be polite.

Heidi had eight brothers and sisters. At the time of this story, only Heidi and two brothers were living at home. Heidi’s parents wanted to have all of the siblings get together. At the same time. At the same place. Eight out of the nine children agreed to meet in Utah for a camp out. One sister wisely declined.
Sidenote: Heidi’s siblings have still never managed to all be in the same place at the same time. Heidi fears for what might happen if they were. It is possible that a hole would be ripped in the space-time continuum. Or that someone would get their feelings hurt and leave in a huff.
Anyway, Heidi went on the family camp out, because she was eight (or nine) and had no other choice. Besides she was a good little boy girl and wouldn’t want to defy her parents.
At the time.
There would be plenty of time for that as Heidi got older.
Many of Heidi’s siblings were much older than Heidi. They were married with children of their own. Some of their children were not much younger than Heidi.
I interrupt this story for a joke: Do you know what is special about a Mormon wedding? The bride is not pregnant… but her mother is! wah wah wah wah waaaah!
On this camp out, one of Heidi’s brothers thoughtlessly brought his daughter, Brooke. Brooke was Heidi’s nemesis because:

1. She was little (emphasizing Heidi’s no-longer-littleness).
2. She was cute (see above).
3. She had long, dark, curly hair.
4. No one ever thought she was a boy.

Heidi tried not to be jealous, but could not help rejoicing when it was deemed that Heidi and her 11 year old brother were old enough to sleep out by the fire. Alone. Without Brooke.
After a few dozen s’mores, everyone else went to bed in campers.
Heidi’s brother was recovering from mono and slept about 42 hours a day. He dropped off right away and began to snore. Loudly.
Heidi looked at the stars for awhile, then closed her eyes and began to drift off.

Suddenly! Heidi heard a noise!

It was a VERY LOUD crunching noise. Not totally unlike a giant gnawing on a skull a larger than average person stomping through leaves.
Heidi was no dummy. She knew the law. If there is a boogie-man out to get you and you close your eyes very tight and lie very still, he will be unable to see you.

The crunching grew louder. It seemed to come from all around the campsite.
Heidi risked a peek.
The campsite was being attacked by malformed lizard silhouettes! skunks!

Heidi clamped her eyes down tight. There must have been a hundred at least five of them!
What choice did Heidi have but to lie still and wait for morning?
She did not move a muscle. She did not open her eyes. Even when she felt paws on the side of her sleeping bag.

Eventually, Heidi must have passed out from fear. When morning came, the skunks were gone.
Heidi could not wait to tell her family about her terrifying ordeal.
Their response was unexpected.
Yeah, right.
I think you dreamed it.
Her mono-stricken brother was awakened questioned. He had slept through it.
Nothing could convince them of the truth. Heidi had spent the night being held hostage by a roving gang of skunks and no one believed her!
Later, Heidi’s family had a family award ceremony. Why? Who knows.
Brook, Heidi’s nemesis, received none other than the Little Miss Sunshine Award. It was a big bag of candy.

Not the actual Little Miss Sunshine Award.
Heidi won the Stretches the Truth Award. Here is her prize:

The moral of this story is: Um… er…
Okay, so this story has no moral. It is completely hopeless pointless.

In other news, Newt and I are going camping this weekend. Walt has to work. I hope there are no skunks.

Epilogue: Brooke grew up to be a lovely woman, despite being spoiled by too much love and candy.

The End

PS: Here is actual photo evidence of the camp out. So you can not say I made it up. I’m the blonde boy girl on the the left.

Heidi vs. the City Bus

Once upon a time Heidi was 15 years old. Or maybe 14. Heidi does not recall.

Heidi was aware that she was not cool. But she tried anyway.
Heidi was not aware that wearing your dad’s old sweater was not grunge. Just grungy.
Heidi was not old enough to drive, but that did not stop her. She had a ticket for freedom: The City Bus.

Spellcheck informs Heidi that “chariots” was correct.

Heidi rode the city bus to the home of Dustin Clock, a super-cute boy that she had a crush on.
Dustin lived on the south end of town and was therefore rich.
Heidi basked in his richness for awhile.
But Heidi did not enjoy it so much.
Heidi’s head was achy. Heidi’s tummy felt weird.
Heidi took her ticket to freedom and went home.
She sat in the back of the bus because she was trying to social climb. But not in the last seat because she was not that cool.

Heidi was glad that the bus was nearly deserted, because she did not feel well at all.
But then the bus-driver stopped and picked up three cool girls.
They sat in the last seat.
Reasons they were cool:

But Heidi stayed calm. She told herself:

But it was not true.

Heidi realized that she left handicapped off the diagram. She is sorry.
She did not leave handi-caped off. Anyone, handi or not, wearing a cape sat with the druggies and crazies.
Heidi tried to play it cool, but Heidi’s stomach did not care. Heidi’s stomach was acting like its parents came home early and found a party. Heidi’s stomach was yelling “Oh crap! My parents are home! Everyone get out!”
Heidi had no other option. She leaned over her seat and…

Shocked silence from the cool girls.
Embarrassed silence from Heidi.
Heidi’s stomach was busy getting grounded.
Heidi did not know what to do, so she just wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her dad’s sweater and stared straight ahead for the rest of the ride.
That’s right. She played it cool.
Because

Right?

Once upon a time there was a Heidi. Please do not confuse this Heidi with the little girl in the Alps.

Not so long ago, Heidi had a calendar.

It hung on the bulletin board in the kitchen where Heidi could conveniently use it. It worked quite well for her. But…
One day Heidi became a homeschool teacher. She felt the need to become a bit more organized with her schedule.
So Heidi bought another calendar. The second calendar was to record lesson plans.

The dual calendar system worked so well that Heidi bought a third calendar. A little one just for planning her menus.

Now some, less organized, people might think that having three calendars is a bit much, but Heidi did not agree. Heidi was of the mind that if one was good, three were better.
Heidi felt very organized. She wanted to pass her mad organizational skillz to the next generation. Heidi bought a date book for her daughter to keep track of her schedule.
And then she bought one for herself.

Heidi was now so very organized.
Except…
She did occasionally have a problem with writing appointments down on one calendar and then forgetting about them.
Like the time she missed her daughter’s doctor’s appointment…
…and didn’t realize it for a week.
But that’s what happens when you are as organized as Heidi.
Fiction Advisory: The remainder of this story is currently fiction.
Eventually Heidi became so organized that she could no longer function. She was last seen wandering about consulting a suitcase full of calendars trying to determine if she had missed her hair appointment.

But at least she was no longer disorganized.
The End

Quarterly Bloggy Giveaway Carnival sponsored by Bloggy Giveaways.
Stay tuned until the end for the giveaway.

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.

The Heidi family had a husband…

a daughter…

Sidenote: Girl Wonder really can spell school. Teacher? Not so much.

and a dog.

Another sidenote: India Elephant was reluctant to play Shasta again. She was afraid of becoming typecast. Today, the role of Shasta will be played by Gumby.

Heidi loved spending time with her husband.
Heidi loved spending time with her daughter.
Heidi even liked spending time with Shasta. Usually.
But sometimes Heidi missed spending time with Heidi. Alone.

She tried retreating to her sanctuary, but…

unfortunately it was not soundproof.

Heidi wanted some alone time, not much – just some, to…

or…

or…

The Heidi family is busy, busy, busy, but Mr. Frantic is a great guy. He is working on a plan. A good plan. A plan that includes weekly daddy/daughter dates.

In the meantime Heidi just may have to invest in a pair of…

Pure bliss.

And now for the giveaway:
Compliments of Chex Mix Bars, the Basket of Indulgence!
Including a box of Turtle Chex Mix Bars, chocolate candles, caramel lotion and spa essentials like a loofah, hand massager, nail brush and spa towel.
Earplugs not included.

I am also giving away one hour of time alone. If you win, I will personally email your family and ask them to please leave you alone. (That should work, right?)

I have three of these to giveaway.
Contest is open to anyone with a valid email address.
To enter, leave a comment answering at least one of the following questions:

• Where is your sanctuary?
• What do you do when you have time alone?
• When was the last time you used the restroom without someone yelling through the door?

I will choose three winners on Saturday. Good luck!

• Though she is very well-read, Heidi cannot spell well.  She has trouble with words like “oppertunity”.
• Heidi likes black licorice and chocolate. Together.
• Heidi no longer minds infertility.  She is content with her family size and is happy not to have to worry about things like birth control.

This is what Heidi looked like a few months ago:

Sadly, this is what Heidi looks like now:

Please note the sleepy eyes, weepy tears, angry eyebrows, mouth about to erupt in hysterical laughter, slightly larger and tender tatas, and pudgyer belly.
Also please note that even Heidi’s hair is flipping out these days. But that is intentional.
Oh yes, and the red dots: Those red dots could be chicken pox. Heidi would like them to be chicken pox. However, they are most likely a proliferation (Heidi spelled that word without help) of acne.
Unless they are chicken pox.
Not pictured: Heidi’s mild nausea. And not just when she looks in a mirror.

Clearly something is going on with Heidi.
Heidi’s doctor has confirmed it. Something is growing inside Heidi’s body.
Care to guess what?

You have three chances.
1. Nope, not Renesmee II.
2. Alien, Sigourny Weaver style? Interesting thought, but no.
3. A baby-to-be?
Wrong again! Sorry, you lose.

Lucky Heidi! She gets to experience the feeling of being pregnant without actually getting pregnant!

The little bugger causing Heidi all of these problems is a two inch long ovarian cyst. Heidi is lovingly referring to it as her “Meat Baby”.
Just keepin’ it real people.

Today’s drawing looks like a Texas Longhorn. With Earrings.
Would you care to know how Heidi’s doctor plans to get rid of Heidi’s unwelcome surprise?
With these:

So to recap:
Heidi can not get pregnant. Nor does she want to become so.
But Heidi’s body is acting pregnant.
To fix this problem, Heidi must begin taking birth-control pills.
Irony, anyone?

Heidi is ready for her epidural now.

Bo and Hope
Patch and Kayla
Roman and Marlena
The Riverfront Knifer
Victor, Eve, Sami…

I’d sit captivated on the couch next to my mom and we’d watch their wonderfully sordid stories unfold.
The best shows were on Fridays – for the cliffhanger, and Mondays – for the resolution.

To the best of my knowledge:
I am not a twin.
The parents that raised me were married to each other and each contributed his/her DNA in the usual way (eww).
I have never faked my own death.
Lady in Red does not play every time I dance with my husband in the living room.
I have never danced with my husband in the living room.
The Riverfront Knifer is not stalking me.
I have never had amnesia.
My life is so not panning out the way I imagined when I was 13.

But you had questions and I’ve got answers. Just don’t expect anything as thrilling as Bo and Hope’s third wedding.

Janalyn is my real life BFF.
She does not have a blog.
She does not want a blog.
But even with three busy little boys at home, she does read mine.
She asks about my Italian lottery winnings:

#1 With all this new fame and fortune, how are you going to keep it from going to your head? How will you stay grounded?
#2 What is the first thing you are going to do with your new fortune?
#3 How will you claim your prize? Do you have to go to Italy? And… can I come (on your winnings, of course!)?

#1 I did not really win any money.
#2 I did not really win any money.
#3 I did not really win any money.
However, if I did, one of the first things I’d buy would be a pair of tickets to Italy for you and me.
And a new laptop.

Emily asks:

If you had to choose between loosing 7 fingers or 8 toes, which would it be? And why of course?

Hmm… tough question. By losing them I assume you mean that they are severed from my body and can not be attached. I’m not too crazy about either option.
But perhaps you mean I have forgotten where they are?
If that is the case, I’ll say eight toes. Because one day I’ll put on some cute strappy sandals and when I look down to admire them, I’ll find my lost toes right where they were supposed to be.
Just like the car keys in my purse.

And then there’s this one from Annabelle:

How did you come up with the Adventures of Heidi series? They are so funny!!

First of all, thank you!
Adventures of Heidi was partly inspired by June Cleaver Nirvana who has a pee-your-pants funny animated life.
My first Heidi story came about like this:
I was in the shower.
Sidenote: I find that I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Don’t you?
Anyway, I was in the shower washing off the blood from the Runaway Dog and the Termiex Man incident.
I hurt. A lot.
Another sidenote: That was really a brutal fall. Six weeks later and my shoulder still aches.
I was not thinking about the pain or about how embarrassing it was.
That’s when I knew that I was a true blogger.
Because I was thinking about what a funny story it was going to make. But how to tell it?
Not straight out. I could see the story falling flat, turning into one of those “Heh-heh, guess you had to be there” moments.
And then I thought of Holly and the Beaver Trap and I realized that the Marker-Method™ would be a great way to tell my story. I was so excited about it, I jumped out of the shower, threw on my bathrobe and got to coloring.
Unfortunately, I was coloring in front of the window and the Terminex man had further reason to believe I was crazy when he walked by and glanced in.
But no matter. I was more than willing to suffer his scorn for my art.
And that, Annabelle, is how Adventures of Heidi came to be. Keep reading, Heidi has many more adventures to share.

Jolene wants to know:

Maybe you already answered this, but how did you meet your husband? I love those stories.
Favorite hobbies?
Top ten movies?
If you could have ANY job in the world and still have your family, what would it be?
Is that enough for ya?

Ohh, I also would like to know more about your work for LDS Family Services. I’m sure that’s a book in itself. Just something to ponder. you know, for all those hours a day when you have nothing to do…

I’ll start with my own love story.
Wait, what’s that music I hear?

Tune in next time to hear about my favorite hobbies, top ten movies and how Mr. Frantic proposed after only three weeks of dating.
After all, it is Friday.

Sidenote: Other actors tried out for the part of Shasta

but none were quite right for the role.

Heidi liked to write.
Heidi also liked to color with markers.
Even though she was officially a grown-up.
For some reason no one could tell, Heidi liked to share her “art” with others. On the internet.
This is Heidi’s computer.

It is a laptop. It is three months old.
It does not smell like a lemon.
It does not look like a lemon.
But Heidi thinks it is a lemon.
If you look close you can see it says this:

Heidi has had nothing but problems with her computer. Heidi wishes she had gotten a Mac, but Heidi’s husband needed to use her new computer until his new job supplied him with a new laptop and a Mac was incompatible with his software.
If you understood that sentence, Heidi is impressed.
One day Heidi was trying to scan some of her drawings.
It was not working.
Heidi was angry.
Heidi was frustrated.

Heidi was not sure why her laptop would no longer speak to three printers or a scanner.
It had become an aloof lemon.
Or why the ‘s’ sticks, turning words like “sticks” into “tick”.
Heidi has to watch carefully for ticks.
(Alternate line: It has caused Heidi to develop a tick.)

Heidi called Dell.
Dell said, “We do not wish to help you, Heidi. Please call the Geek Squad.”
Heidi called the Geek Squad.
The Geek said, “We would be happy to help you, Heidi. Please give us $200.”
Heidi became really angry.
She did not give the Geek $200. She took a nap.
Sometimes Heidi deals with her emotions like that.
She might have dreamed about doing this:

but she did not.
When she woke up her Husband asked her to go for a drive.
He drove and drove and drove.
After an hour he ended up at a fruit stand.
A fruit stand that sells only Apples.
He said, “Heidi, why don’t you buy a new laptop?”
Heidi said, “Um, ok.” And smiled really big.
The Fruit Seller said, “The new iphone just came out. Please get in line. For two hours.”
Heidi obeyed.

But then Heidi remembered that she is a homeschool teacher now.
That means that she qualifies for a big discount.
But she had no proof. She needed an Official Homeschooling Mama badge from the state. But she doesn’t have one yet.
So she left the line,
gave Mr. Frantic a big kiss,
and went home.
Then she remembered that as much as she wants a new laptop, she needs a new:

So she is calling the Geek Squad tomorrow.

Heidi may not have a new laptop, but she has a great husband.
And he is totally compatible with her software.

Once upon a time Heidi was 15 years old. Or maybe 14. Heidi does not recall.


Heidi was aware that she was not cool. But she tried anyway.
Heidi was not aware that wearing your dad’s old sweater was not grunge. Just grungy.
Heidi was not old enough to drive, but that did not stop her. She had a ticket for freedom: The City Bus.

Spellcheck informs Heidi that “chariots” was correct.

Heidi rode the city bus to the home of Dustin Clock, a super-cute boy that she had a crush on.
Dustin lived on the south end of town and was therefore rich.
Heidi basked in his richness for awhile.
But Heidi did not enjoy it so much.
Heidi’s head was achy. Heidi’s tummy felt weird.
Heidi took her ticket to freedom and went home.
She sat in the back of the bus because she was trying to social climb. But not in the last seat because she was not that cool.

Heidi was glad that the bus was nearly deserted, because she did not feel well at all.
But then the bus-driver stopped and picked up three cool girls.
They sat in the last seat.
Reasons they were cool:

But Heidi stayed calm. She told herself:

But it was not true.

Heidi realized that she left handicapped off the diagram. She is sorry.
She did not leave handi-caped off. Anyone, handi or not, wearing a cape sat with the druggies and crazies.
Heidi tried to play it cool, but Heidi’s stomach did not care. Heidi’s stomach was acting like its parents came home early and found a party. Heidi’s stomach was yelling “Oh crap! My parents are home! Everyone get out!”
Heidi had no other option. She leaned over her seat and…

Shocked silence from the cool girls.
Embarrassed silence from Heidi.
Heidi’s stomach was busy getting grounded.
Heidi did not know what to do, so she just wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her dad’s sweater and stared straight ahead for the rest of the ride.
That’s right. She played it cool.
Because

Right?

#34 I threw up on the city bus.

Flaschback for more fun at Mommy Always Wins.