You guys, it’s almost time.

(If you are reading via email, you may want to click over and watch that video and laugh a little. It would be good for you. Hat tip to Ali.)

It occurred to me today that this is my sixteenth Thanksgiving as a married woman. (That made me feel old in a way that nothing else ever has. Even though I was practically a child bride.) With the exception of a few sad notable restaurant years, I have cooked every Thanksgiving meal. As such, I have built up some kitchen cred.
Since I am a giver, I thought it would be nice to share my knowledge. I turned to social media and asked:

If you are cooking this year, ask me your questions and I’ll see if I can answer them. I’ll be like the butterball hotline, just for you.

— Heidi Schulz (@Heidi_Schulz) November 15, 2012

Carol asked:

@heidi_schulz How do I veganize my stuffing recipe that calls for buttermilk? — Carol Pavliska (@sardinemama) November 15, 2012

I had no idea. Remember when I tried going vegan and my hair started falling out? I can’t find a link, but I’m sure I mentioned it…
Anyway, thankfully, Barbara fielded that one:

@sardinemama @heidi_schulz I cup soy milk with a T of vinegar left to sit for 15 minutes.

— Barbara Ellingson (@MrsTomSauter) November 15, 2012

And then she swore at me:

@heidi_schulz “Tofurky you, lady!”

— Barbara Ellingson (@MrsTomSauter) November 15, 2012

Tough crowd.

Over on facebook Sara asked: Will I survive Thanksgiving?
My answer? Yes, but just barely.

And Sarah (with an h) asked: Why do people make “traditions” out of food no one actually likes?
My reply: The same reason we spend holidays with people we don’t like*, doing things we don’t like: because it makes us happy. Right? Right? *cries*

Sarah also asked about stuffing. Hurray, something I actually know about. I referred her to this post.

Tara** wanted to know how to cook a turkey breast without it drying out. The answer is the same for a whole turkey. Use a brown paper bag.
Seriously.

How to Cook a Turkey in a Paper Bag

• Prepare your turkey as you normally would: thaw; brine, if that’s your thing, or don’t, if it is not; rinse and pat dry; rub with olive oil and/or melted butter and whatever herbs and seasonings you prefer.
• Place turkey in a large, new paper grocery bag.
• Poke a meat thermometer through the bag into the meatiest part of the thigh (make sure not to touch the any bone).
• Fold over bag opening and staple shut.
• Place, breast side up, on a roasting pan with rack and place in oven, making sure that bag does not touch sides or heating elements.
• Roast as usual. (I cook it at 350 until the internal temperature is 180 degrees.) Here is a handy chart, if you need it. And one for turkey breast only.
• Cut open your paper bag and allow turkey to rest for 30 minutes before carving.

I promise, it will not be dry. Also most of the drippings will have filtered through the bottom of the bag to the roasting pan. These make wonderful gravy.

Here is a picture of last year’s masterpiece, taken moments too late to be very pretty.

Sorry. We were hungry.

Any other questions? Drop me a comment and I’ll see what I can do.

*Note: I like all my people. Don’t cry, Mom.

**Sara, Sarah, and Tara are not my only friends, but they should be. We would be a little like Heathers.
Note to self: find a scrunchy and start wearing it immediately.